Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
