I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
