Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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