I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
is that a dick in a sweater?