And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
