If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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