Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
