if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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