im six kinds of drunk right now
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
