The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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