proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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