Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
