if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
