My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
