she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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