next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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