Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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