the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
