im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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