after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
