Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
