3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
