Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
