I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
