Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
