I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
