Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
