for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
