No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My vagina just recognized that song.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize