The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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