i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.