Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.