You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
