You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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