That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
