I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
