I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
