Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
