everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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