he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
