He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
