my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just cropdusted the office
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
