Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
either way he was missing a nipple.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
