My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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