Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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