He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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