Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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