wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
