So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
