apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
