just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
