Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
