I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My ass is underappreciated
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
