Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
