The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
