I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
