Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
