last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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