I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
