You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
