I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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